Happy anniversary! Hellcat turns 3

Moving forward after loss and making peace with eternal reoccurrence.

One of the few times I made it to track practice during the training cycle ahead of Southbound400. Got dropped IMMEDIATELY after this photo was taken by two of the most incredible athletes I’ve ever met Zoe Boocock and Emily Meredith (Original photo by Carl Maynard)

Anniversaries are weird. They make me think of Janus, the mythological god of beginnings, gateways, transitions, and duality, depicted as a head with two faces looking backward and forward. January is named for Janus and many have noted this January in particular seems to be dragging on longer than most. During this particularly bleak midwinter, I have started running again after a long period of injuries both physical and spiritual in nature.

This month marks three years since I started training for my first Speed Project race. Since then I have run LALV twice, CHX once, and one non-TSP ultra-relay, the Southbound 400. I will probably never¹ run another relay.

Throughout history, in literature, the Bible, and mythology, the act of looking back is often met with severe consequences—Lot’s wife, Orpheus and Eurydice, political nostalgia, etc. And yet, at the same time, we have to keep history in mind and learn from the failures of the past if we want to avoid repeating missteps.

But to briefly look back in remembrance, one of my regrets from last year, and the great failure of my life, was Jagger. I left a lot of work unfinished and unpublished last year amid getting married (a second time) and being stricken with grief over the death of my dog. Of all the running partners I’ve had Jagger was the one I logged the most miles with. I am still in mourning.

Running the DC Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon together. Rest in peace Jagger 🐾

The loss of Jagger was a loss of identity on top of the raw loss of companionship. Jagger oriented my world. His needs and routine organized my life. Running suddenly felt hollow and empty. I had lost my shadow. All the routes around my house were now haunted—a heat map of grief. Sorrow steals more than we can prepare for.

As Coach Bennett says, “This is about running, this is not about running.”

In the days before Trump’s re-election, as Jagger’s life came to an end and the veil between worlds wore thin, I thought a lot about Nietchze’s concept of eternal returns and Plato’s Great Year. The stoics believe the universe is destroyed and reborn, again and again. Empires only last 250 years. We are trapped in the mouth of an Ouroboros serpent as it bites down on its own tail.

The alignment of these events seemed catastrophic and absurd. The sheer magnitude of loss and disruption on every level of life. We’re really doing this again America? Apparently.

Despite everything, running helps, even if it took a while to find my way back to it. Movement really is medicine. Going forward my goal with this newsletter is to share what comes up along the way while training again.

I’m finally ready to start running again, I hope you’ll join me.

Links

The ultimate anniversary poem by Anne Carson in The Glass Essay:

Rory documented both the Hard2Kill team’s Southbound400 journey and the Feral Angel’s race across France, you can relive the magic of those experiences on his YouTube channel:

For more on the decision to turn off paid subscriptions and move to the pledge model in the meantime:

Why I'm Not Going Paid on Substack

Until next week 🫡 run on you crazy diamonds

1. I know, never say never, but the odds are very Very low unless there is some miraculous alignment of forces for good and I’m recruited by a team I trust. But my trust was pretty fundamentally broken the last go-round.